My name is Robin Palmer. I was once General Counsel of the General Cereal Corporation. I was a man who had everything. I had a loving family. I had a career; I had wealth. I was 57 years old, and I had busted my ass day-in and day-out my entire life to get to where I was.
I was constantly trying to distinguish myself. And I had finally started to feel like I was achieving my dreams. It wasn`t just about being the best lawyer I could be, the best advisor I could be, the best father, husband, provider that I could be. I wanted to leave my mark. I wanted to make a difference.
I was an advocate for diversity. In 2005, I spearheaded a program known as the "Call for Justice", in which in-house lawyers at major corporations evaluated the diversity efforts of outside law firms. Those who did not get good marks stood to lose business. By 2007, more than 100 general counsel, many from Fortune 500 companies, had joined the cause. In short, I was at the top of my game.
Until one day, I was called to a plant in Podunk, Louisiana for a site inspection, following a rehabilitation for regulatory compliance issues. I was touring the facility, when I noticed a dark wet trail on the floor. Curious, I crouched down and wiped a latex-gloved index finger across one splotched floor tile. Blood. My colleagues were busy examining the nearby steam-powered box-press. Sensing some injured employee might need help, I quickly set off down the hall to see where the blood trail led.
The trail turned a corner. **WHOOOOOSHHH** It took less than an instant. It was not a flash. It was not a blur. It was a mere bone-chilling breeze. And just like that I was a lifeless heap, completely drained.
When I regained consciousness, it was pitch black. My neck had healed. I felt... incredible. Energized. Full of life. But also full of anger, full of hate.
That`s when I saw the costume. It must have been from some promotional event. Some stupid thing for the kids. "Meet your favorite characters!" So you can continue to scarf down bowls of sugary carbs. Kids who grow into adults who wallow in their obesity. Some mark I had left. I was the mark. Thought I was making a difference, but I was just peddling sugar to fat kids. I grabbed the suit, the mask and the cape. And from the moment I put them on I became... Count Chocula.
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WE PRACTICE HRP, ALSO KNOWN AS HARDCORE ROLE PLAYING. WE INVENTED IT. ALL OF OUR CHARACTERS ARE FICTITIOUS AND ANY SIMILARITY TO REAL LIFE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL, EXCEPT IN CIRCUMSTANCES WHERE CHARACTERS AND EVENTS ARE INTENDED AS A PARODY OF REAL LIFE INDIVIDUALS OR EVENTS. ANY INFORMATION YOU RECEIVE FROM US IS NOT TO BE RELIED UPON AS TRUE OR ACCURATE IN ANY RESPECT, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER IT IS CHARACTERIZED AS REAL OR FICTITIOUS OR OTHERWISE. THIS IS A VAMPIRE KILLING GAME. IT IS ASSUMED THAT IF YOU ARE PLAYING THIS GAME, YOU KNOW THAT. HOWEVER, HRP IS NOT FOR EVERYONE, SO IF YOU CAN NOT TOLERATE IT, WE ASK THAT YOU BLOCK US.
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